2013

2013 I've thought and prayed about this post a lot. I've gone back and forth if I should write it. I've started writing it several times in my head. You see 2013 was a very tough year for me, most of which I hid from almost everyone around me, and I was convinced I was ready to be so open in such a public forum. But recently a friend encouraged me to write everything going on in 2014 and I can't do that without taking about 2013. So here it goes. It actually started in 2012. Several women in the church we were going to started getting pregnant. So in late October we decided we would also start trying. So that's where we were beginning of 2013. Our church was fairly small and there became more women pregnant than not. Including older women who were done having babies and single women. That year in our church there were over 13 pregnancies. I believe there were 3 married women who could have had kids that were not pregnant, including me. This number of pregnant women did not include two of my closest friends and one of my sisters. I knew I wanted to be pregnant with my friends and raise our babies together. In 2011 I got married within months of most of my friends and going through all of that together bonded us in a way I never thought possible. So as the year went on and more and more of my friend got pregnant and stated having their kids I grew more and more depressed and bitter with God. Why could I do what women were made for? Why wouldn't He let us get pregnant when it was clearly the best timing? At least I thought it was. Then in July God directed us to move closer to my husband's family and move to New Hampshire. OK fine, I thought, this is why we haven't gotten pregnant yet, I never would have moved with a baby. Now we have a direction and a plan. We'll put the house on the market, move in the fall and get pregnant right after that. Well God had other plans. Our house didn't sell in the fall, so we took it off the market for winter. And I got really mad. I couldn't see why God kept directing us to do things if He wasn't going to hold up His end of the deal. We knew He was in control of when we sold our house and when we got pregnant. We also knew He directed us to do both those things, so why wasn't it happening like we all planned it? A thought began forming in my sub conscious that had an effect on my thoughts and actions but I was not really aware of until January or February 2014. The thought was that I’m not going to worship or serve God as He deserves or as I know I should until I get what I want. I was throwing a temper tantrum because I wasn’t getting my way. Once I realized what was in my sub conscience, I was horrified. Following that to its logical conclusion there are 2 major consequences for thinking that. 1. That God is just a cosmic genie and 2. That I have the right and power to decide if God, the creator of the universe, is worthy of my praise. The choice I was coming down to, once I realized what I was thinking was either to walk away from my faith or trust the God is ALWAYS good, loves me and has my best interests at heart, whether or not I feel like it. This is where I left 2013. Bitter, knowing I needed to change but really unsure of how.